Mike's guide to being human

By Michael Boyle

"Sometimes, you gotta stare your problems in the face."

Life

Live it. Love it. Reality isn’t for everyone, but if you go about it in just the right way, nothing will scare you. Go cliff-diving. Chat up the hottest guy/girl in the bar. Drink that 8th kamikaze shot that you worry might make you throw up. Dance – a lot. Say hello to strangers. To quote Fight Club, “This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time”. Quit fucking around and go do something worthwhile. That little screen you’re staring at is slowly eating your soul and with it, your personality.

Love

Love is a tricky thing. Whether you’re gay, straight, bi, trans, or one of those weird tree-huggers, love will come to you at some point. Don’t force it. They say that love is like a fart – if you force it, it will be shit. Don’t invest emotionally in a relationship to the point where you’ll be crushed if it ends. Be cool. If it’s right, it will work out. If it isn’t right, part friends; thank that person for your memories together then go get laid.

Money

Control your budget. Don’t let your budget control you. If you earn a shitty salary yet have an expensive car, it means you’re saving money and not spending enough on living. Don’t be a bored little drone. Enjoy life and buy a bike. Use your money to make the world better. Nobody cares that you drive an expensive Mercedes if have a shit personality. Quit squeezing pennies and buy a falafel for a homeless guy. Visit a poor country and you’ll see how money is only relevant to the individual but means nothing to the wider world.

Friendships

Ever had a friend who got in a relationship then seemed to fall off the face of the earth? Don’t be that person. If you get married, there’s a 50% chance that you’re gonna get divorced and hate each other forever. If you’re one of those people I just mentioned, you can bet your ass that you won’t have anyone to support you when your ex-wife is bleeding you dry for child support and packing half your stuff into a truck. Your friends should always be part of your life – not just when you aren’t getting laid.

God

I don’t care which deity you pray to. If you have that spirituality, I applaud you and envy you. Don’t let anyone ever convince you that god isn’t real. If you have faith, it’s a gift and you should never give it away.


I’m 25 years old. I have probably 50, maybe 55 years left if I look after myself. Seems like a long time, but really it isn’t. Take a look at your life so far and contemplate if it’s been worth remembering up until now. If you really think hard, it probably isn’t. Mine sure isn’t. Go out and do something worth telling your grandkids about. “He worked like a dog, gave nothing back then died full of regret” is a pretty fucking depressing obituary. Go out and live. 


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