Wake up to the taste of bukkake every morning – Product review of Kingfisher Baking Soda Fluoride Free Natural Toothpaste

By Kai Teo

Morals don't always taste good.

Morals don't always taste good.

We’re always talking about being better consumers for the planet by buying ecological shit, supporting fair-trade products, and you know, basically putting our money into stuff that we believe in.

I eat loads of this vegetarian soy “meat” thingy, make sure that everything I throw into my shopping basket is certified “Eco”, and if they say that they’re organic, even better.

So being a responsible citizen of earth, I replaced my Colgate with Kingfisher Baking Soda Fluoride Free Natural Toothpaste. Fluoride has been proven to have harmful effects if eaten in large amounts over a long time. So yea, better to play safe and use alternatives such as baking soda.

I decided to give it a go the moment I got home. I picked up my toothbrush and squeezed a dollop of ethics on it, I held it up high in the air, proud of my bathroom anarchism of not supporting the big pharmaceutical companies and using an all-natural product. My eyes welled up with tears of self-righteousness, and in one swift moment, I stuck it into my mouth and starting working the purposeful strokes of virtue.

It didn’t taste too much in the first second, but as I tried reaching the back teeth, a strong smack of saltiness filled my mouth. It tasted like the cream form of smelly socks and soy sauce, with a slight tinge of spearmint (you know, to make your mouth smell fresh).

I cringed. I began to think about what I’ve done wrong to deserve this insult in my oral cavity. However, I didn’t stop. I didn’t want to waste it. This all-natural gangrene-inspired flavour costs twice as much as WHITE POWER's freshness. And I’m broke after going slightly out of control during eco grocery shopping.

"Excuse me, your toothpaste is racist."

"Excuse me, your toothpaste is racist."

I continued inflicting the clean torture on myself. “There’s no fluoride, Kai. There’re no chemicals. It’s all natural, all good. You’re a good person. Responsible consumer. Taking charge of your own health. Yes. Come on!”

I gagged. My mouth felt humiliated by the taste of a foul sea spray. I felt miserable. I rinsed it out, stared at the tube of toothpaste angrily, torn between just burning the whole thing in a huge bonfire or continue letting my morally upright self fuck my mouth over for the next two months.

To be fair, the spearmint actually did leave a somewhat fresh aftertaste. 

Over the course of the next few days, I squirmed every time I had to brush my teeth. And to prove that it wasn’t just me and my dirty mouth playing tricks on me, I invited a few friends over for a taste test, these are the responses:

“It tastes like semen. But like bad semen. You know, like someone after a heavy night out drinking mojitos.”

“It tastes like man cum. But honestly, you taste a lot better than this.”

“Have you ever tasted semen? It’s kinda like that, but with mint leaves.”

“Is this a joke? Did you cum into this?”

“Wow, you just made me understand what it tastes like to blow off 8 men.”

“I like it! I get reminded of the last evening with Bob.”

It has to be a joke. I’m sorry Kingfisher, I know you’re all into being natural and healthy and all that. But why the fuck would you be this irresponsible and make a toothpaste that tastes like a blowjob? Natural shouldn’t mean bad. You could’ve just thrown in more spearmint, like a lot more spearmint!

I call bullshit on this toothpaste. Yes, baking soda tastes like semen. Ecologically certified brands shouldn’t just be resting on their laurels and rely on that eco label to sell their products. Eco products should be good products too. I wouldn’t be going back to Colgate, but my next tube of toothpaste would definitely not have anything to do with baking soda. 


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