Just fucking chill – Buddha Mag’s simple introduction to meditation.

By: Kai Teo

Photo: artoflegendindia.com

Video: Youtube – TheDonSante  

Many of us have always dismissed meditation and yoga and all that shit as a whole bunch of Eastern mysticism, reserved for those dreadlocked hippies who can’t stop talking about India since they took a 2-month holiday there 2 years ago.

I, too, have always been sceptical.

But recently, in the name of openness to new experiences, I decided to give it a go by clicking on a random Youtube clip that says “Guided meditation for deep relaxation.”

“Hey, wanna know an amazing secret to get six packs in a week?” Fuck. Youtube ads.

After the obligatory 5 seconds, the 30-min track began. It sounded like an intro to a hard Psytrance set at first, just missing the beats.

Then, a soothing female voice with a thick Indian accent gently entered the picture, “Welcome to your time of deep relaxation. Find a comfortable position to lie or sit in, then close your eyes and breathe deeply.”

We’ve been following instructions at work and in life all the time. Do this, do that. And I wasn’t quite ready to let a fucking Youtube clip tell me what to do.

Ok mystical Indian woman, just this once. Your video hasn’t got 300,000 views for no reason. 

“For the next 30 minutes, let it be your sacred time. Don’t let any thoughts, or external circumstances disturb you. Let this be a time you dedicate to your own relaxation, and wellness.”

Sounds nice. 30 minutes of pure silence and peace in my soul, and I don’t have to think about the shitty headline that I wrote today for work.

“Now take a deep breath in through your nose, and then let it out gently through your mouth.”

After 3 of these breaths through my congested smoker lungs, I was already feeling faint. Wow, that was kinda easy.

The thing that I’m most intrigued by though, is the fact that a friend once told me that meditation, when done properly, can almost simulate a natural high that can be likened to an ecstasy trip. Fuck yea, tripping balls for free. I’m up for that.

“Feel your body, mind and soul really relax. Loosen your muscles, don’t think about anything except your breathing.”

You know, I had to write a headline at work that day. I was supposed to be selling some sort of a course for technicians, and to my own disgust, I came up with “Supercharge your career”. What the fuck, it doesn’t even make sense.

And oh, did I tell you about Chicken Cottage in Möllan? It’s kinda like KFC, but without the whole label of a giant multinational corporation. Not sure where their chicken comes from, but the way they taste, I’m pretty sure they came from heaven.

Shit, my nose itches, do I scratch or try to fight it? You know, try to hone the power of my mind over matter.

Ok, fuck it, I’ll scratch it.

“Now, clear your mind.”

I don’t even know what that means. Clear my mind, all my thoughts I so highly value, that I’m so proud of?

Mmm… I can almost smell the fried chicken.

“Don’t think about anything. Let your mind settle and be still. Concentrate on experiencing your breathing.”

The air that enters my nostrils feels rather cool and refreshing, and my nose hairs are filtering it like a natural air-conditioning system. My chest rise as I fill my lungs up, and as I exhale, the warm air gushes out of my open mouth.

Wait, how is this helping me achieve peace? I’m just… mindfully breathing.

“Now imagine the good energy of the universe concentrating in a great white ball of light that now hovers above the middle of your forehead.”

I let my closed eyes naturally point themselves towards each other, and I felt the strain of the nerves behind my pupils, almost like I was stretching a sore muscle. As I relaxed them again, my eyeballs seemed to spring back into their natural positions with a little jiggle.

And the jiggle never stopped. It felt as if my entire vision of what’s behind my closed eyelids were shaking more and more violently. And the lighter spots started to move around.

“What’s your philosophy? It’s yours, let it become part of you, live it, breathe it, feel it every moment.” Some random scene of me playing chess with a Chinese monk entered my mindscape. It was extremely vivid, I could see the exact colours of the monk’s robe, the wooden chess board, the pawns. We were inside some old inn, and I could almost smell the food they were preparing in the kitchen. Maybe it was fried chicken.

As abruptly as the scene appeared, it disappeared with a gentle puff of smoke against a black backdrop. And I awoke from the meditation, a little disoriented and confused.

I remembered the whole REM sleep thingy, where you’re actually dreaming and your eyes move according to what you see in that dream. So wait, that means that meditation works to induce a dream state and lets you stay there for as long as you want?

That’s some astral projection stuff isn’t it?

You know, your soul floats out of your body and you fly around and meet people and experience everything and control everything that happens?

If I have control over my dreams, oh my god, I will bring life to my sexual fantasies!

And since then, I’ve been meditating everyday. No, I haven’t had a threesome with Swedish goth conjoined twins yet. But in that little pocket of time that I dedicate to meditation, I’ve been able to achieve a deep sense of “Fuck it”. Like really cast everything aside, clear my mind, and just really really relax. 

And it’s fucking addictive.

I’ve also been able to get past my scepticism of the semi-weird things the guided meditation videos say. Things that sound rather ridiculous when you first hear them. 

“Imagine a great sphere of wonderful, soothing energy penetrate your chest and fill your body up with warmth and calm.” 

“The universe is working for you. The universe wants the best for you.”

“Nothing really matters. Everything can wait.”

“Breathe in the calm of a running stream, and breathe out all your stress, your anger and your negative emotions.”

But I realised that if I really opened myself to these suggestions, the deep state of hardcore chill comes a lot easier. I mean, you don’t have to believe these ideas deep inside, but for that moment, just try imagining it, be open to them. And then wham, bam, wow.

Meditation feels fucking good. Try it. It’s like free drugs without the side effects. Put it all in your mouth already.