Another 11 fucking funny things about Swedes.

By Kai

Picture: zazzle.com

Last year, we published our observations about a peculiar group of people that reside with moose and polar bears in the cold Nordics, otherwise known to the world as Swedes. We received violent responses, Facebook friend requests and a few threats to click ‘unlike’ on our page.

Another year here, after countless times of saying “Ah men” and “Vad fan!”, has revealed to us even more weird antics about the Swedes that are seldom talked about, sometimes even deliberately swept under the IKEA carpet.

 

1. The Swede likes to look productive.

When the Swede walks alone, he or she never swaggers or strolls. The act is often carried out at a precise, calculated pace of 8.2 km/h, with shoulders upright, head straight with a straight face, and large paces. This is often accompanied by the decisive dig of the heel on the ground, as if announcing to the world “I am on my way to do something that constitutes contributing to the society in some way.”

No matter which subculture they belong to, be it the corporate uptight businessperson, or the dreadlocked anarchist punk, when they’re walking alone, they always look like they’re going somewhere to do something important. Smiling, bobbing to the music, or feet dragging are big no-nos.

 

2. The Swede does not consume alcoholic beverages in the daytime (weekdays), but does so excessively whenever it is socially accepted.

Drinking during office lunch hours are considered unprofessional. Comments like “It’s too early to be drinking” or “You’ll be too drunk to work” are often heard across the table after someone orders a lunchtime beer.

But set a specific time in the evening and call it a party and watch the Swede break loose like a deranged beast that has finally discovered the spring of eternal joy after a 1000-year thirst. It is scary. And it often results in sex.

 

3. That being said, don’t worry, because the Swede does not consume YOUR alcohol.

At every house party that we’ve been to, everyone brings their own Systembolaget (the state owned alcohol monopoly) bag filled with their preferred choice of poison for the evening. No one reaches into another person’s bag and no one places their own alcohol on the table for all to share.

If you arrive at a Swedish house party expecting to be fed amply with the host’s booze, you’ll be going home sober and thirsty, and alone.

 

4. It is not OK to be proud of being Swedish. But it is perfectly fine to be fanatic about the region you’re from.

Whenever a Swede expresses patriotism to the country, he or she is often reprimanded harshly for being a fascist.

But they’re often extremely proud of the city they come from. This is often exhibited through their widely differing accents, expressions and resilience to the cold. After two years in Malmö, we have also become strangely attached to the slightly ugly dialect and have even decided that Skånska is the hottest Swedish accent ever. Ever.

 

5. Swedes have a word for every thing.

What do you call the planks of wood that make up the horizontal platforms of your shelf? What do you call the underside of the table? What do you call the inside of your elbow? What do you call the middle part of your bike seat that sinks in slightly?

Yes. The Swedish language has a word for every object. Kids usually know the names of more than 600 types of plants before they reach age 5. But they use only one word for ‘happiness’. 

 

6. Swedes always come up with an excuse when they say “No”, if not they would pretend they didn’t get your message.

I’m too tired. I had a long day at work. I have to do laundry. I have to clean my apartment. I have to walk my dog. I have an early day tomorrow. I have to talk to my cat. I have to sit in front of my computer and stare at it.

It’s never a straight “No. I don’t want to.” If they can’t come up with an excuse, they’ll completely ignore your missed call, message or invitation and pretend that nothing has ever happened.

 

7. Swedes go berserk once they’re not in Sweden.

The leash is now released! Let the pent-up frustrations explode in a frenzy of drunken stupor, wanton sex and sudden openness!

All the years of strict laws and social expectations are suddenly thrown out of the window once they are travelling. Everything that has been said about Swedes does not apply and they become volatile, unpredictable creatures that descend upon the rest of the world. Many of them will fall in love or make others fall in love with them, which often result in the rising number of immigrants to the country.

 

8. If Swedes believe in a god, it would be called coffee.

No office is complete without a coffee machine. And no morning is good without the sweet aroma of the black liquid gold. Swedes rank 2nd in the world when it comes to coffee consumption, just behind Norway (we don’t know what happens there).

There are more types of coffee on the supermarket shelves as there are number of apples in the next aisle. Suggest tea for Fika and you will be brutally assaulted.

 

9. Swedes start killing themselves, or one another, during the winters.

You would think that after so many generations, these people would’ve gotten used to the cold and darkness.

But every winter, there’s bound to be one friend who becomes depressed. And most of them become obsessed over the weather. And that’s all they talk about.

 

10. Most Swedes think that you’re smoking a spliff if you roll your own cigarettes.

No shit. Few roll their own cigarettes in this country. They usually prefer to insert little sachets of nicotine, or snus, up a special compartment somewhere along their upper gums (this little hole in the mouth is exclusive amongst the Swedes, and we think that it’s possibly genetic). There even is a brand of snus called RAPE.

So rape’s ok, but every time you smoke a rollie outside your home, there’s bound to be someone coming up to you to ask if it’s a joint. So they either think you’re fucking stupid, or fucking badass. And either way, it’s not cool.

 

11. Bringing more than 1 friend to a Swedish house party is highly discouraged.

"Hi! You're welcome to my house party on 8th November 9:35 pm! But you can't bring anyone else because I've already invited too many people." 

For fuck's sake, it's a party. The more the merrier, right? It's not like you're providing alcohol anyway. We'll be bringing our own. But no. The Swedes always seem to have a maximum capacity for their house parties. It's as if they're abiding with the safety laws in case of fire or if there's a need for sudden evacuation.

So you'll find them asking if they could bring an extra friend to your party, or if you're planning on having a +1, you better ask in advance. Well, thanks for making me and my friend feel very welcomed.

 

And lastly, some Swede is definitely gonna launch an all-out defence, saying we’re wrong, we’re biased and get angry and all that shit. And we know someone’s gonna prove this point right even after we’ve said this. Relax, have a laugh. Och ta det lugnt mannen.