Straight men need to stop being oversensitive to the question, “Are you gay?”

By Kai

Picture: swishedition.com

People often ask me, “Are you gay?”

Well, I live with a man. I love pink, and purple. I adore unicorns and dream of owning one. I wear dresses occasionally. Otherwise, I never leave home without my tight floral pants. I have long flowy hair that makes the world’s top shampoo models jealous. And I have this way of flinging it to the side while casting a seductive glance usually exhibited by actresses in romantic flicks. In the evenings, I hang out with my girlfriends and we gossip about how irritating it is when people don’t do their dishes. I write poems. I dance with gracious, yet not-so-subtle ass shakes, and I do that better than your boyfriend, or your girlfriend. I think I kissed a boy last week.

You might assume I’m gay. That’s because your idea of what’s male and female, what’s straight or not, what’s masculine or feminine, comes with a socially constructed appearance and set of behaviours and activities that you have been strictly adhering to for a good part of your life.

You watch too much TV and Hollywood propaganda.

Complete the sentences, “An ideal man should be… “ and “An ideal woman should be… “

If you came up with two different answers, you might have serious issues with gender equality. We all recognise that the female body has the ability to give birth, and the male, the obsession to shoot sperm. That’s as far as gender roles go – making babies.

But when we start applying gender-specific roles into other aspects of life, it becomes sexism. And when we put these labels to sexual preferences, it leads to homophobia.

“No I’m not homophobic. I have gay friends. But don’t call me gay.”

First of all, the fact that you have gay friends doesn’t mean you’re not homophobic. What really confirms it, is that when someone calls you “gay”, you get insanely defensive, even insulted.

That’s why the world has been using the word “gay” as an insult for the longest time.

And every time someone feels the prick of being called a homo, it is a vicious slap in the face of the worldwide LGBT community. You’re telling them you don’t want to be associated with them. You’re telling them that you take pride in being straight. You’re also telling them that you’re a big fat obnoxious prick.

Don’t be a drama queen.

So you’re a straight man. And someone asks if you’re gay, or assumes you’re gay.

So what? There’s no negative connotation here. It’s exactly like if you were born in Sweden, and someone asks if you were born in Switzerland. Big deal.

If the person means it negatively though, he or she is a Neanderthal, in other words, the beta version of a human. And they probably also believe that the world is flat. And that there’s a language called Chinese.

“Oh, so you’re calling my conservative parents Neanderthals?” No, this isn’t about our parents. They are a special breed of beings that are extremely resistant to change. I’m talking about you and me, our generation – the Internet generation. If you use “gay” as an insult, you are a chest-pounding baboon.

So back to the question, “Are you gay?” It’s as harmless as “Do you think that the plants by the window need watering?”

Just answer it for fuck’s sake. Yes, no, I don’t know. Don’t get all defensive and shit and regress to your ancestral form just to helicopter your manhood around like how a cabaret dancer swings the feather boa.

Come out of your closet.

Of course, the stereotype gay package exists. It consists of prescribed elements like clothing choice, hobbies, hand gestures and even tone of voice. Same goes for the stereotype male and female frames that the world eagerly fits into.

Question is: Who the fuck came up with that?

The male = blue, female = red, gay = purple codes permeate every facet of society these days. And us humans have been taking way too long, and thinking way too little, for us to realise that these labels are mere constructs of our ignorant little minds.

Don’t blame Mattel for advertising their Barbie Dolls specifically to little girls, they’re just riding on our preconceived notions of gender. If dolls and girls had a weak association, they wouldn’t create their ads this way. They know we’re not advanced enough a species to break out of our own nonsensical boxes.

Let’s unlearn our own bullshit.

If we created these stereotypes, we can break them. So let’s exercise our basic right to wear whatever, play with whatever toys we want, fuck whoever we want (mutually consenting adults and inanimate objects only), all without fear of being judged. Make a statement. Rock the boat. And be yourself.

Oh, by the way, studies also show that straight men who wear dresses to clubs are perceived as being a significant 43% more attractive to women than those in a well-tailored suit.

So fuck labels and stereotypes. Let them call us whatever, doesn’t quite matter. Just don’t be a backward fucking Yeti.