Everything is banned in Dubai – Even Flappy Bird

By Mike Boyle

Picture: failfun.blogspot.com

I’ve had a shitty week, so don’t expect to read my usual sunshine and rainbows and unicorns farting rays of love. Life is fucking full of disappointment. Life in Dubai takes pretty much any glimmer of positivity that’s left and replaces it with soul-crushing hatred.

Exorbitant prices for extremely shit Internet

It’s the simplest things that just don’t work for me. Internet for example. We’ve all taken it for granted ever since we got rid of those dreadful dial-up modems that make Skrillex sound like Mozart. We have super-fast Wi-Fi that can download pretty much anything before we can even make a cup of tea. We can access limitless information and spend all day watching Youtube videos of cats licking cushions. But not in Dubai. Oooooh boy, not a chance. Over here, if you happen to be sitting more than an asscheek width away from a router, you might as well just start imagining the content of the video you want to stream because you sure as fuck can’t watch it without it buffering for 5 minutes after every 10 seconds of playback. If I open my laptop in my bedroom to get some work done, I can’t even get a connection. And I didn’t cheap out either, I’m paying for the fastest connection that any service provider in the country offers. It costs me a small fortune every month and it doesn’t work.

Facetime is banned

Then we get to Apple devices. I sold out like a real bitch and bought an iPhone and I know realize it to be the worst thing I’ve ever bought. It’s probably a very helpful device in some countries, but not in the UAE, you might as well not have one. First of all, it comes with Facetime disabled, and it can’t be installed from the app store either. Facetime is pretty much the only thing that sets iPhones apart from any other phone, and whatever lunatics that control this sort of thing decided to ban it here.

Even Siri doesn’t dare to talk too much

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Siri doesn’t fucking work either. Ask her for an address or directions and prepare to be bitterly disappointed as she responds with “Sorry, I can’t look for places in the United Arab Emirates”. I never bothered to look into the reason why this is, but I can only assume that it’s some stupid rule that makes no sense to normal people, similar to many other rules and regulations in this sandy pit of despair.

No Flappy Bird in the UAE, it’s too sinful

Aaaaaaaaand for my final Apple fail, we arrive at the iTunes and App stores. Content is cut back to a shadow of what the UK and USA stores offer. Let’s take last Wednesday for example. I typed Tiesto into the search bar. Tiesto. Fucking TIESTO. One of the most famous names in all of electronic music and there wasn’t a single album. A couple of tracks, all of them cheesy collaborations with whiny pop stars. But an album? Hell no. The App Store isn’t much better. Netflix and Spotify aren’t on it, because they’re also banned in this place. Half of the apps are in Arabic and the other half is mostly shit that nobody would ever buy. I had to log in to my friend’s USA account just to get Flappy Bird, for fuck sake!

So that’s that. I want to rant and rave some more, and believe me I have no shortage of things to rant and rave about, but I’ve probably already ruined your day so I’ll leave it out for now.

Click back next week to hear about some more stuff that I hate, and keep an eye out for some sunshine and rainbows and other happy shit in between. I’ve got something pretty awesome coming up soon!

Ciao for now.