Crop circles are merely aliens drawing giant penises on earth

By Kai Teo
Cover picture from

Humans believe in all kinds of stupid shit. For one, we believe that Kanye West is talented. And we believe that aliens actually are interested in us.

"You watch too much TV."

"You watch too much TV."

Hollywood has made us all think that all aliens look like ET, and they either want to sit in our bicycle baskets or eat the fuck out of us.

That’s just really vain and naïve thinking isn’t it? As if it’s not silly enough that we call ourselves the “smartest” species on this planet despite being the only animals that are fucking up the ecosystem. Now, we go on to think that alien species of mental capacities powerful enough to travel across galaxies in an instant, actually want something out of us.

Oh, wait. You don’t believe that aliens exist? You don’t have to. They don’t care.

For ages, we thought the earth was flat, and when we found out that it was a sphere, we assumed that the sun revolved around us because we were at the centre of our solar system. Even after we got that cleared up, until today, there are still people believing that the conditions on our planet have been created specially for life to thrive in.

Earth wasn’t created for life. This planet was just there, doing its thing, hanging around space and shit. Then life, as we know it, you know, visible moving stuff, began to adapt to these conditions to survive here. Air is the most abundant resource, so we breathed it. Sunlight’s here at least 12 hours a day (except for Sweden), so plants use it to make food. Water makes up 70% of the planet, so we drink it. We were made for this planet, not the other way round. So of course there's stuff that's adapted to live on other planets as well. 

Beyond our little sphere of ignorance, with today’s giant telescopes, we are just starting to get a glimpse of what infinity might look like. And earth is actually so tiny in comparison to the multiverses that it really, really hurt our egos.

For someone to think that out of all these billions and billions of planets, Earth is the only planet that life has evolved to exist on, you’re like someone living in the Arctic who actually believes that the entire globe is covered in ice.

There's this. And then there's you, thinking that your work presentation next week is at the centre of it all.

There's this. And then there's you, thinking that your work presentation next week is at the centre of it all.

Of course alien life forms exist, but they’re probably not in the physical form that we expect them to be – arms and legs and big eyes and all that.

They could very well exist in a form that we can’t detect, because we haven’t developed the senses to. I mean, just try imagining a new colour. Aliens could exist as pure energy, with no physical bodies. They could be sentient, they could have a collective consciousness like ants, and they could be completely undetectable by humans and our archaic tools.

We send spaceships to other planets to search for signs of life. But really, we’re just searching for life we can comprehend. We don’t find shit because we’ve always been looking for that ET guy, hoping to see if he’s got a girlfriend.

Could the accounts of alien abductions be true? Maybe.

But hey man, really, it’s hard for me to believe that they’d want to ass fuck us with some object like our anal cavity was anything worth studying and learning from. It might all just be wishful thinking that maybe something smarter out there can give us a purpose to our empty existence.

If you got abducted by an alien, good for you. I hope it was an interesting experience. But to think that they’ve kidnapped you instead of Stephen Hawkings probably resulted in them marking planet earth with “no intelligent life form” and leaving this place for good – taadaa, that’s how you get crop circles.

"Fred, I think the humans still didn't get our message." Image credits:

"Fred, I think the humans still didn't get our message." Image credits:

So even if aliens made crop circles. It might just be some of them having fun and leaving a pretty mark just for kicks. We went to our moon and stuck an American flag there. So why can’t aliens come to earth and paint an alien dick picture and post it up on alien instagram?

Or it could be just a little mark they leave to indicate that they’ve been here. Period. Is it them trying to communicate with us? Probably not. Remember once again that these are super intelligent beings, while most people on our planet don’t even speak more than 2 languages.

If they could build spaceships to travel across space, if they anal probed us, if they could create crop circles, they’d probably have known that we communicate using languages and would’ve already learnt how to speak to us, if they want to. Trying to get us to decipher complex symbols when some of us can’t even read road signs? You think they’re that stupid?

So get a grip, human beings. Aliens don’t want anything from us. In fact, they really wouldn’t want anything to do with us. A dimwit with stupid hair might become the president of the most powerful country here. That’s a good signal for them to fuck off.

Please talk to us if you've been abducted by an alien, we'll make you famous. And if you're interested in our other stories, follow us on Facebook.